Inseminoid  (UK: NEL, 1981)

"A far from human birth..."

Since I haven't taken a look at a good grade-Z novelization
lately, I thought it was time and what better than
This was one of those sleazy British horror flicks pumped out
by Norman J. Warren back in the 1970's and '80's, most of
which were just excuses for blatant gore that teetered on the
edge of soft-core porn. In the United States this movie was
Horror Planet, which is a nice name, but I have no idea
why they changed the title when
Inseminoid might just be the
finest title of a science-fiction horror film ever. Period. There's
no sense in tip-toeing around the fact that this one was a rip-off of Ridley Scott's
Alien and not a particularly good one, but that doesn't mean the movie wasn't fun.
Anything as absolutely ludicrous as
Inseminoid just has to be fun in some way, now
doesn't it? But let's forget for a moment there was such a movie and we'll pretend
that this novel is just a novel and that the author, Larry Miller, wasn't such an
insufferably bad hack.

Our story opens on an alien world as a crew of men and women touch down and
inhabit a formerly abandoned compound. Out exploring some caves, there is a rock
slide and they find the sealed tomb of an ugly alien creature and bring it back to the
compound for examination. Even though they have made an incredible find, most of
the characters seem preoccupied by thoughts of sex. And it's no wonder. See the
space service has certain protocol and by-laws. One of these is called
Mate-Rotation. An equal number of men and women always fill out any crew and
they are on a sexual rotation basis, meaning that they switch partners every so often
so everyone gets enough variety. You don't have to have sex with your rotational
partner, but you better not have sex with anyone else's either. Sorry, company rules.
This is the background of our novel. As one of our characters, Ricky, a sophisticated
intellectual muses to himself:

"If he'd been asked why he'd become a space archaeologist, sex would have come
first on the list, adventure second and scientific motivation a lowly third."

Anyway,  the alien is in the lab. Its glass-like coffin dissolves for unknown reasons
and releases a foul stench as Dr. Karl examines it. Sandy is his assistant. Sandy is
on a sex rotation with Dr. Karl and she's glad of it because Dr. Karl loves blondes
with big breasts. Ricky, hurt in the rockslide, is in the lab, too. Sandy examines him.
And even though she's hot for Dr. Karl and is a dedicated medical professional, she
finds herself lusting after Ricky's body:

"Sandy found herself admiring his bulging forearms and solid thighs. Not to mention a
certain other bulging part of his anatomy."

Meanwhile, back to the alien monster. Sandy is certain she saw it move. But neither
Dr. Karl or Holly, the compound commander, believes her. Which makes Sandy fly
into a feminine huff. But she recovers. Ricky, back in his cabin, is overwhelmed by
an alien force. He attacks Dr. Karl but Sandy, ever the quick thinker, karate chops
him in the balls. He begins to bleed. He rushes out of the compound where he
cannot breathe but somehow does. Gail goes after him, but Ricky tricks her and her
leg is caught in the airlock. As he advances on her and the crew watches in helpless
horror over the video screen (but for reasons unknown cannot help her), she uses
her laser and burns her foot off. Unfortunately, her thermo unit stopped working and
she instantly froze to death. But she got the airlock closed. Ricky then runs into Kate
who wisely burns him with her laser. But it leaves her in a very shaky emotional
state. It was hard for her to kill Ricky because not only were they friends but they
were on sexual rotation together. Kate turns to Commander Holly for support. In the
privacy of Holly's cabin, wearing filmy nighties:

"Holly moved close to Kate, their legs were pressed against each other. From above,
the reading lamp shone down through their nightclothes revealing contrasting bodies.
Kate was taller, her breasts and hips smaller. Holly was muscular and buxom with
nicely shaped round hips."

Kate is upset and Holly tells her she has to toughen up, hide her feelings. That's life
in the space service and she better damned well get used to it. But Holly isn't a
machine and she admits her inner tender feelings:

"It's impossible to block out all emotion (she said). All human emotion. I know it has
no place on intergalactic missions like this but hell, you spend two, maybe three
months fucking a guy. You get to like it and you get to like him. Then it's time to
rotate and you're landed with someone you can't stand and he's balling you're best
"I'm glad you understand. I really am. (sez Kate)"

And Holly does understand. She holds Kate. But somehow, their shirts fell open and
their breasts touched. So Holly keeps comforting Kate in a hot lesbo action scene.

Meanwhile...what the hell was this book about? Oh, the alien monster.
Right. Back
in the lab, both Sandy and Dr. Karl see the creature move. It's alive! Strapped down
to a table, it seems agitated. Like Lassie, it's trying to tell them something. Sandy,
her scientific and analytical mind quickly ascertaining the problem, says:

"Maybe it wants some breakfast."

Eureka! The alien monster, poor little thing, is hungry. They give it some breakfast
sausage, then raw steaks, eggs, loaves of bread, and finally a frozen chicken. Mr.
Alien Monster perks right up. Even though the monster is active, Dr. Karl decides to
go take a nap in his cabin and leaves Sandy to clean up the mess in the lab. Sandy,
ever the obedient large-breasted research scientist, is more than happy with this
task. Cleaning up, she accidentally spills a chemical on her lab coat so she does the
only reasonable thing and strips down to her bra and panties, parading her junk in
front of the monster who begins to get excited. Since the monster is strapped down
and quite harmless as such, Sandy decides to augment her research by bending
over the creature and putting her love-melons pretty much right in the beast's face.
And as she does so, she inspects its weird alien penis:

"A pair of foot-long rods joined at the crotch were covered with a slick foreskin that
continually rolled forward and back."

Sandy knows she is imagining things, but it seems as if the creature is becoming
sexually aroused:

"Its head was only inches from her large breasts. It had once again become agitated,
straining at the straps..."

Enough scientific pursuits for one day, Sandy turns off the lights and prepares to
leave the lab and as she does so, the alien monster breaks free! It jumps on her! It
holds her down! It forces her legs apart with its lobster claw hands and:

"With unrestrained fervour the creature inserted one of its sexual organs into her
womanhood, pushing the long thin member deeper and deeper, ejaculating into her.
Then the second organ penetrated and ejaculated in the same way.

The creature rose from her body, a body now covered in greasy yellow saliva. The
fluid was on Sandy's face, her breasts and it ran down her thighs."

Such is the fate of Sandy. All she wanted to do was clean up the lab and continue
with her scientific work and look what happened. There are those who might say she
was asking for it, that she was a tease, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, by this
point we're not even half way through the novel. Basically what happens next is that
Sandy goes a little alien and gives birth to a set of nasty twins (two penises, two
children, right?). Awful things happen. So awful that the crew members must
"comfort" each other a great deal.

Now, of course, we all know the plot to Ridley Scott's classic
Alien: the mining ship
Nostromo visits a bleak, spooky planetoid and discovers the remains of a weird
biomechanical alien culture. They find eggs and this thing jumps out of one of the
eggs and grafts itself to one of the astronaut's faces. This being the ultra-cool
Facehugger which falls off and the Chestburster larva bursts free, gets into the
ventilation system, and becomes our predatory monster. But what if you wanted to
Alien off and cash-in on it and you didn't want to spend a lot of money? What if
you wanted to replace the grim forbidding atmosphere with, say, lots of T & A? Then
you would, like Norman J. Warren, make
Inseminoid. You'd get some actresses who
didn't mind taking it off, borrow a set from a 1950's B-movie, swipe some costumes
Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, and present the world with a touching story of
motherhood about a woman who is raped by an alien monster and gives birth to a
collection of crawly alien spawn. That woman would be Sandy, of course, she of the
blonde hair and large firm breasts...Larry Miller likes to remind us continually of
Sandy's joyous globes of delight. If you read this book, long will you remember them.

Pros: Gimme a minute...there's gotta be something. Oh, the title is pretty cool.

Cons: Is this a bad book? Dear God, it's atrocious. Larry Miller is a terrible writer. The
plot makes no sense. The characters behave irrationally. The alien is your typical
rubber monster with a zipper up the its menacing extraterrestrial penis,
that is. The movie is crap, the book is crap.

Overall: By this point you're probably assuming that I'm not recommending this one.
And I'm not...unless you need a good laugh. Because this book is hilarious! Buy it.
Read it. Revel in the sheer badness of it. It may be one of the funniest things you'll
ever read (and don't forget about Sandy's breasts, because Larry Miller never did...I
think he was typing with one hand).

Two Bloody Skulls out of Five for sheer gross ineptitude.

Our next Guilty Pleasure:

"A winged terror which flies by night--feeding on death and destruction."
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